Pride and Unworthiness

I want to preface this by saying, my desire in talking about this is to be honest and open about some of the issues that I and possibly other worship leaders face. And to maybe get some feedback from others.

As a musician and worship leader, I often put myself on a stage in front of some group of people. When I am about to lead worship one of two thoughts go through my head and I have to battle them until the end of the set. One of the thoughts I will have, or perhaps it is an emotion, is pride. Pride in how I will sound, pride in who I am playing with, pride in how many people are there, pride in what church or event I am playing for. I would imagine that everyone who spends any amount of time on a stage would struggle with this. As a musician I feel as though I have earned, or worked my way to that moment before I walk onto that stage and that I deserve to be proud of the work and effort I have put in to get there. I feel as though my skills and talent are a result of my hard work. I am going to assume I am not the only one who struggles with this.

I cannot number how many conversations I have had with other worship pastors and leaders where somehow it turns into a contest of who's church is bigger, who has the most recordings, or how many instruments you play, or who you have played with. I recently met a worship pastor after a service. He had prior knowledge of my experience and greeted me with language referring to the church I go to and serve at as "the big house". I think that is really what prompted this post. I realized how toxic and dangerous this way of thinking is.

The second thought I will have is extreme doubt and an overwhelming feeling of unworthiness. Often before I will lead or play in front of a large congregation I will ask myself, "who do I think I am to stand in front of these people and lead them in worship?". How silly of me to think I could lead these people in worship when my own worship is flawed and imperfect. My own life is broken and I am not the person people think I am when they see me on a stage. I am not good enough to lead worship. I think this is something anyone and everyone who steps onto a stage to preach or lead should struggle with.

In many ways when a pastor or worship leader steps onto a stage he or she is declaring something similar to what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 4;16, "I urge you, then, be imitators of me". This is a heavy weight that we ought to take seriously. I think it is this weight that prompts the feeling of unworthiness.

The truth is that I am completely unworthy to lead anyone in worship. I am not perfect, I make mistakes and often I make BIG mistakes. I would never tell someone to follow in my footsteps because life is hard and there have been things in my life I wouldn't wish on anyone. I would imagine many people would say the same thing. So do the broken, corrupted things I have done and do, diminish my worship? Does it make my prayer go unheard and my cries out to God for mercy and peace any less genuine?

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Turn, O Lord, deliver my life;

save me for the sake of your steadfast love.

For in death there is no remembrance of you;

in Sheol who will give you praise? - Psalm 6:4-5

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This is a prayer from David. A man who had committed adultery, had a man killed, lived in pride, and wallowed in unworthiness. Yet he is called a man after God's own heart. He is the greatest worship song writer to live. I would say without a doubt his prayers and praises were heard by God.

As worship leaders it is not our job to plan services, to create great Ableton tracks, to come up with creative ways to play a song, or even to plot out the lighting scenes. We are called to lead others in worship. It is about recognizing our brokenness and His grace. The vast gap that is between us and God. It is more than music on a Sunday morning, it is about a lifestyle that we as christian's live out. Sunday morning should be an overflowing expression of our brokenness. And a cry out to God.

Our unworthiness breeds genuine worship.

Because we are unworthy and broken, we do not deserve to stand on a stage and lead others, but because of the STEADFAST love of God, and His unrelenting grace towards us, we can walk out and lead others in the expression of complete brokenness.

With this in mind, how can we take pride in what might seem like our hard work, who we play with or where we play? It almost seems silly when we realize what we are doing as worship leaders. Despite our pride, we should recognize our brokenness, and allow God to work in our hearts, worshiping Him with genuine praise.

These are just some thoughts, I would love to hear yours.